What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 17.06.2025 06:21
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
We were not on the streets..
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
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But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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I was very sick at this time too.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He resisted the act ,that day.
What is the happy reality of our generation?
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
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He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I will be 64.
She found it foreign!.
How can I handle my distrust and jealousy for my partner?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
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When she asked me how she looked .
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
But, we were locked up after school.
But it wasn’t much.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
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A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I think the readers, may guess!
Was to survive, this bastard.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
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I couldn’t, believe it.
My life is so biszare .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
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I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
So, i spoilt her more .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Especially a lifetime of it.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
All the time i was locked up.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I write beautiful poetry .
What did i know ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
As i do to all so called friends.?
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was scared of men, in general
Ive learnt so much.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
We all went to grammer schools
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
I was 9 years of age.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My family never makes their pension either.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
She loved him until the end.
Comes on , in middle age.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
He knew the spot.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I don,t even have a pension.
So whats the point in blame.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im still living with it.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And who doesn’t know suffering?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I have no regrets .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was seconnd youngest,
It was going to be , some day.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
(And it was in our own minds.)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Who then, do I blame.?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Would this be the day?
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
One cannot live in the past .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Put me off passion for life!!
She was in good health!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She married twice! .
She wouldn,t have been !
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I said to her
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I never cut or harmed myself..
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
And i lived it daily.
I waited trembling.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
This is soul school!.
Why did i forgive my father ?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.